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10 Ways to have Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee

The Problem: Polarisation and Lost Balance​

Headlee notes that in today's polarised world, conversations quickly devolve into arguments, and people surround themselves with those who already agree with them.

  • Lost Balance: Conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, a balance that has been lost, partly due to technology.
  • Overlooked Skill: Conversational competence is "the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach kids".

Headlee, a professional interviewer, shares the same skills she uses with Nobel Prize winners and truck drivers to help everyone have better conversations. The core concept is: Be interested in other people.

The 10 Rules for a Better Conversation​

  1. Don't Multitask: Be present in the moment. If you want to leave the conversation, leave it, but don't be half-in and half-out.
  2. Don't Pontificate: Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn. Avoid just stating your opinion; if you want to do that, write a blog. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said true listening requires setting aside oneself, which allows the speaker to open up.
  3. Use Open-Ended Questions: Take a cue from journalists and start questions with who, what, where, when, why, or how. Let them describe it; asking "Was that like?" or "How did that feel?" forces them to think and leads to a much more interesting response.
  4. Go With the Flow: Let thoughts come into your mind and let them go out. Don't stop listening because you suddenly remember a clever question you want to ask or a story you want to share .
  5. If You Don't Know, Say That You Don't Know: Air on the side of caution and don't make claims about things you're not an expert in. Talk should not be cheap.
  6. Don't Equate Your Experience With Theirs: This is not about you. If someone talks about losing a family member, don't jump in to talk about the time you lost one. Don't use the moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.
  7. Try Not to Repeat Yourself: This is condescending and boring, especially common when trying to make a point in work or with children.
  8. Stay Out of the Weeds: Forget the small details—names, dates, years. People don't care about the details; they care about you and what you have in common.
  9. Listen: This is the most important rule. Buddha said, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning". The main reason people don't listen is they'd rather talk (to be in control and the center of attention) or they get distracted because the mind is faster than speech . "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand; we listen with the intent to reply," as Stephen Covey said.
  10. Be Brief: A simple rule that summarizes the concept of not dominating the conversation.

Final Advice​

Headlee encourages the audience to keep their mouths shut, keep their minds open, and be prepared to be amazed by the people they meet, believing that everyone has "some hidden amazing thing about them".